true blood workout

In case there was anyone left out there who thought I was cool…here’s a True Blood workout. I know, I know, I need to get a life. But it’s Just. So. Good.

The new season of True Blood premiers this Sunday on HBO and, if you couldn’t infer by the post on my son/plant Lafayette, I’m beyond excited. I love this show. In preparation for an entire summer of watching the insanely attractive supernatural bodies on True Blood (I’m looking at you, Eric Northman), I’ve created this workout. And the best part about it is that you can do it right in your living room, no shoes or equipment required. Heck, you don’t even need to wear pants!

It’s like a drinking game, only healthy.  And, ok, less fun. As you watch each episode keep an eye out for the following things to occur. When they do, complete the accompanying exercise and the designated number of reps. Depending on the story line of each episode, this workout could be pathetically easy or extremely torturous.

Someone drinks blood (doing V counts)…20 Hindu Squats

A Hindu Squat can best be described as a fluid, deep squat in which you roll onto the balls of your feet as you come up. This is one squat variation where it’s okay for your knees to stick out farther than your toes, and they will when you’re at the deepest point of the squat. Keep feet shoulder-width apart and move your arms in a circular motion so that your fingertips brush the ground when you’re at your lowest. If this makes no sense, here’s a super awkward video I found of a shirtless man wearing jeans and a belt in a field demonstrating Hindu Squat form (you’re welcome?). Side note: I’m no doctor, but if you have bad knees, I would probably avoid this move.

Lafayette says “bitch” or “hooker”…20 Snowboarders

Legs wide apart, squat down with one hand touching the ground. Jump up, turn 180 degrees in the air and land in the same deep squat on the other side, with the opposite hand touching the ground. If you turned towards your right shoulder the first time, make sure to turn towards your left shoulder on the way back.

Someone has a weird dream…50 Mountain Climbers

In plank position, bring one knee forward and then switch quickly, in a horizontal running motion.

Jason says something stupid…20 Spiderman Lunges

Sooo basically every time Jason opens his mouth, you’ll be breaking a sweat. So good looking. So dumb. To do a Spiderman Lunge, start in a plank position and bring one leg up towards your arm in a deep, Spidy-esque lunge. Repeat on the other side.

A shift occurs (into any creature—werewolf, werepanther, dog, etc.)…10 Leg Lifts with a Reverse Crunch at the Top

Laying on your back with hands under your butt for support, lift your legs up to a 90-degree angle with your body (keeping them straight). At the top, push your butt upwards, pointing your legs towards the ceiling. Lower legs back down, keeping them straight. Don’t let them ever rest on the ground.

A vampire’s fangs pop out…10 pushups

I do ’em from my knees.

Someone drinks an alcoholic beverage…10 burpees

Squat down, placing hands flat on the ground in front of you. Jump back into a plank position, jump back up to squatting, then stand up and jump with your arms in the air.

Bill says something in that overly formal, old-fashioned way of his…20 Split Squats

Squat down with one foot positioned just behind the other. Front foot should be flat on the ground; and on the ball of your back foot. Here’s a video (super awkward) that best demonstrates the position. Unlike in the video, you will then jump up, and land back in the squat position with the opposite leg in front. This move is killer for the buns and thighs.

Someone dies…5 Ninja Jump Tucks

Start in a kneeling position. Jump your legs forward so that you land in a deep squatting position (it takes some practice). From there, do a jump tuck, in which you bring your knees up to slap your hands mid-air (not pictured). If you’re still like ninja what??, check out the tutorial here).

There’s a makeout/kiss…10 Full-Body Crunches. 20 if that kiss turns into nudity and bowm-chicka-wom-wommmm

Sitting on the ground, lean back with hands lightly by your side for support. Legs should be lifted and outstretched. Crunch inward, bringing your knees in to meet your torso. Extend back out.

If I haven’t explained how to do any of the moves thoroughly, don’t hesitate to ask me in the comments section—I’ll respond immediately with a better description (or try to). Pinkie promise. And if you are thinking to yourself “This is the dumbest workout ever, I don’t even watch True Blood,” then fear not: I have a kick-ass workout coming your way next week that doesn’t involve any vampires, werewolves or fairies.

If doing a workout on a Sunday night sounds like some sick, perverted version of Hell, then DVR the episode and do it on whatever day, at whatever time your little heart desires.

Enjoy the workout; but more importantly, enjoy the season premier of True Blood!